CLEAN AND SOBER, Rants and what not.

I took control of my life.

I am grateful to be alive today. I am grateful to be sitting in front of a computer and sitting next to my very own bed. I have a door with a lock on it. That door leads to my very own room. I have a roof over my head and food in my belly. I have access to a shower and I have money in my wallet. Aside from all these materialistic perks, I have a real relationship with God. I can honestly say, my lord and savior speaks to me everyday. My Bible has come alive and God walks with me every moment, all day on my journey in sobriety. 

If I don’t remind myself how grateful I am today, I forget how far I have come. In nine months, I have quit using meth. In the last nine months, I have gone to treatment and quit using drugs and alcohol. I have also began to build a foundation for my future. I have also began to rebuild relationships in my family. I am learning how to create friendships. Real friendships never existed in my using days. I have started to learn to love myself for who I am. I am recognizing my character defects. I have grown a little more every single day since I let go of the exhausting lifestyle of an addict. I try to work an honest program everyday but one day at a time. I look at myself differently in the mirror. I read more. I feel convicted if I lie or judge. God is showing me my purpose more and more each day. I am finally looking onward instead of lingering in the misery I left behind me. I make mistakes but I learn a lesson from each one. Those mistakes don’t define me anymore. They make me stronger and more willing to keep pushing forward. Slowly, I am discovering what humility and humbleness means. I am not perfect and I am okay with it right now.

Before treatment, I was lost. Before sobriety, I was a cheater. I was a liar and a crook. I was convinced I could manipulate anyone into doing what I wanted. I took everything I wanted. I had two D.U.I’s. I went to jail for petty theft. I was drunk constantly. I used at work and family events. I chose using over my sister and brother’s protection. I was more concerned with resenting my mother than trying to help her get sober. I took advantage of family and friends. I used to be hateful and careless. Selfishness and self contentedness controlled me. I never took the time to think about anyone else’s feelings but my own. I stopped taking showers and brushing my teeth. I lost over seventy pounds. I worked to use and used to work. I was screwing every man who would look at me sideways. I was a prostitute. I was a toy. I didn’t know who God was. I didn’t understand the word of God. I never gave spirituality a chance. I sure did put up a good front, so I thought. -I was not fooling a single soul-

Today, I am not the woman I used to be. IMG_20170816_113459_522



Easy Does It

I woke up today knowing it is a brand new day and it is exciting to know tomorrow is gone. It is a fresh day and there are so many people, places and things to be grateful for in life. I do not do enough gratitude lists but today I want to make one.  There are so many to be grateful for but let’s see what I can come up with today.

I am 80 days clean and sober today!

Today, I am grateful for so many people, places and things.

I am grateful for:

  • My one and only Savior, Jesus Christ
  • Sobriety
  • Staying Clean for 80 or so days
  • My Recovery
  • Family
  • Fellowship
  • Clothes on my Back
  • Bed to lay in
  • Opportunity
  • Choices
  • Celebrate Recovery
  • Music
  • Love and Understanding
  • Intuitive thoughts
  • My Faith
  • Coffee
  • Life
  • To be Alive


Rants and what not.

My Summer Fling with Crystal Meth gone Riot.

Welcome! If you read my “About Me” section, you know I am a recovering drug addict who suffers from co-codependency and grave mental disorders. First off, if you are a recovering addict yourself suffering from these same problems and more, you can confide in me! Maybe I am your first friend. Maybe I am just another addict rambling on the internet or maybe  this is just what you needed today.

January 1, 2018 I admitted myself into treatment. Drug treatment to be exact. Except, I did not realize I was going to treatment for my drug addiction or my mental disorders. My intentions were to find a way out of a situation I put myself in. A relationship which went riot placed me in a state of mind in which made me want to use more and more. He was not abusive, yet. He was not verbally or mentally straining, so I thought. He just was not the man for me and it was a toxic relationship built on drug use. Our relationship started when I was living in my old trailer park. One night, while I was “tweeking out” on Crystal Meth, I needed more for my fix. I was up a few weeks at this point and really needed to find someone who can help me. Luckily, at the time, I knew a male neighbor who always had what I needed. I made me journey down to his trailer and I ran into another gentleman on his porch. By this point, I was snorting Crystal and new to the entire “Crystal Crew.”

Well, this “kind” gentleman offered me a hit and it was in a pipe. His pipe was cute and they called it a rose bowl. He said, “It is way better than snorting. It doesn’t hit you as fast and I think you will like it better.” Guess what? I said yes. Like it was a new toy or something. We made our way into this tiny room he called his bedroom. We sat on this old futon and he filled it up. He handed it to me, I put my mouth on it and he lit it up. He said, “Watch it Crystalize.” I was amused. It was new and it was exactly what I wanted. I got my fix. I was in love. Within minutes, I “knew” I was going to steal this man’s heart, use him for his drugs and never look back. I “knew” right then,  I had him in the palm of my hand. I had a new toy and I was going to use it until it broke. I had a sense of confidence you only found in drugs. I knew then, I was set. I didn’t know, I was slowly dying.

Well, this went on for weeks and I stole his heart. He stole mine so he thought. I was a cold woman and I was so sure I could manipulate any situation or anybody. My confidence was roaring. I just had it all according to my addict mind. I had a few friends down the road who I also did Crystal with. They were closer to my age and they were both either ex heroin or crystal addicts. I actually was the reason they both started to hit it again. How kind of me, right? (Sick sick sick) I told them they could come over one day and do this with me because the man I was using with at the time had a trailer I was living in. They were shooting it and I was snorting it.

I already lost my trailer by this point and slowly losing my job as an Assistant Manager at Dollar General. I went to work one day DOPE SICK and lost my job. I told the hospital someone put something in my mouth while I was sleeping and I got drugged. They were not stupid and within hours I quit my job because I could not go to work without using.

As I took more and more crystal into my system, I slowly died faster and faster as a person. Finally, I lost it all. By the grace of God I lost my home, my friends, my sanity and all the drugs. It came down to me, a black trash bag and a porch in the middle of Mississippi summer. I was being eaten alive by mosquitos and sleeping on a porch night after night, coming down off Crystal Meth. Some nights the man who gave me the pipe, slept beside me in psychosis. I began to be scared and began to enter psychosis. I spent six hours in my old trailer with old couches and beds against every door and window (which were swarmed with fleas). I was sitting in the middle of my old bedroom floor rocking back and forth while drawing circles and triangles for hours. I think I rounded it up to like six hours.  I was considering suicide and I would not let anyone into the house. I was convinced the man I was living with was out to get me and he wanted to kill me. He was walking up and down the neighborhood with a hammer seeking me  and I stayed in hiding. I was coming down after three weeks of no sleep and I just kept hiding. The next few days I was hiding in the woods in the middle of a triangle shaped branch situation with a hammer crying my eyes house. I was convinced he was still looking for me. Finally, the man who let me hit the pipe took me down the pond and gave me a blanket to lay on. We laid under the stars and went to the moon. Simply put, we were in deep psychosis and we were lost. I am almost sure I was dying but by the grace of God I was saved.

Few days later, I decided to do something even more ignorant. I decided to go to my mother’s house, who is a crystal meth addict, and detox in her trap house. I call it a trap house because he meets the criteria. She fed me pills as I came down off the meth and finally there was no more hope for me. The man who gave me the pipe called his family. His family came to get us and took us to Poplarville, MS. We started a new life and it started off great. We went an entire month with no drugs or alcohol. We could not find any or get any so we did not do any for a month. Endlessly, we found marijuana, air duster, alcohol and pills and  did those for a few months. Finally, I needed out. I admitted myself to a treatment center and here I am now. I have seventy-seven or so days clean and sober. I am entirely ready to give my life and my will over the care of God as I understand him.