CLEAN AND SOBER, Rants and what not.

I took control of my life.

I am grateful to be alive today. I am grateful to be sitting in front of a computer and sitting next to my very own bed. I have a door with a lock on it. That door leads to my very own room. I have a roof over my head and food in my belly. I have access to a shower and I have money in my wallet. Aside from all these materialistic perks, I have a real relationship with God. I can honestly say, my lord and savior speaks to me everyday. My Bible has come alive and God walks with me every moment, all day on my journey in sobriety. 

If I don’t remind myself how grateful I am today, I forget how far I have come. In nine months, I have quit using meth. In the last nine months, I have gone to treatment and quit using drugs and alcohol. I have also began to build a foundation for my future. I have also began to rebuild relationships in my family. I am learning how to create friendships. Real friendships never existed in my using days. I have started to learn to love myself for who I am. I am recognizing my character defects. I have grown a little more every single day since I let go of the exhausting lifestyle of an addict. I try to work an honest program everyday but one day at a time. I look at myself differently in the mirror. I read more. I feel convicted if I lie or judge. God is showing me my purpose more and more each day. I am finally looking onward instead of lingering in the misery I left behind me. I make mistakes but I learn a lesson from each one. Those mistakes don’t define me anymore. They make me stronger and more willing to keep pushing forward. Slowly, I am discovering what humility and humbleness means. I am not perfect and I am okay with it right now.

Before treatment, I was lost. Before sobriety, I was a cheater. I was a liar and a crook. I was convinced I could manipulate anyone into doing what I wanted. I took everything I wanted. I had two D.U.I’s. I went to jail for petty theft. I was drunk constantly. I used at work and family events. I chose using over my sister and brother’s protection. I was more concerned with resenting my mother than trying to help her get sober. I took advantage of family and friends. I used to be hateful and careless. Selfishness and self contentedness controlled me. I never took the time to think about anyone else’s feelings but my own. I stopped taking showers and brushing my teeth. I lost over seventy pounds. I worked to use and used to work. I was screwing every man who would look at me sideways. I was a prostitute. I was a toy. I didn’t know who God was. I didn’t understand the word of God. I never gave spirituality a chance. I sure did put up a good front, so I thought. -I was not fooling a single soul-

Today, I am not the woman I used to be. IMG_20170816_113459_522



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